I love beer-related news. No, I’m not talking about label approvals, expansions or who has the best super-booze in town. What I like is the National Inquirer type stories. They’re awesome. Seriously. To prove my point, I thought I’d share a few excerpts from news stories posted in the last couple of days. If you don’t think they’re badass, well… I just wasted several minutes you could have spent harvesting your Farmville crops.

Story One comes from Florida, a state where too many bat-shit crazy stories originate. This romance story involves a man and wife, a mother-in-law, a Lexus SUV, a pickup truck and the mother-in-laws car. It also involves beer. Check it out.

Cosgrave then walked into the home and grabbed a beer from a refrigerator. She poured the beverage over her husband’s head before getting in her Lexus sport utility vehicle, the affidavit says.

She rammed the Lexus into a truck that belongs to her and her husband. The truck was pushed into a vehicle belonging to Cosgrave’s mother-in-law. Cosgrave’s husband said she rammed the truck three times, and investigators reported it appeared the truck was a total loss. The sport utility vehicle sustained about $10,000 in damages and the other car had about $5,000 in damages.

Beer geeks everywhere have but one question: what beer was it? My guess? One of them there Cigar City beers everyone wants, but nobody’s seen. At least beer is said to make a suitable shampoo replacement, the beer wasn’t a total loss.

Story Two relates to everyone’s favorite game, Beer Pong. Honestly, what the fuck is beer pong and how has this crazy-ass ‘game’ moved from the dark shadows of college frat houses? Furthermore, when did this monstrosity earn anyone serious cash? Apparently I’m old, lack coordination and the ability to see how tossing a ping pong ball into cups of shitty beer qualifies as a) entertainment b) a revenue generating hobby. Alas, the World Series of Beer Pong (sounds even worse than the World Series of Poker) has just wrapped up and this has become big business.

This year’s event – the largest in WSOBP history – drew 507 teams from 48 U.S. states, six Canadian provinces and nine countries, as well as more than a thousand spectators.

Insane, but not as insane as this: “Team Ovation” made up of Dan Range (25) from Columbia, Ill., and Nick Syrigos (30), from St. Charles, Mo. won a grand prize of $50,000! Hey kids, it’s never too early to start practicing.

Our next story involves the ever-eye-catching combination of alcohol consumption and driving, this time in Monroe, PA. Look, drunk driving is a bad idea and I’m all for the concept of “innocent until proven guilty”, but sometimes I think we’re all OK to make certain assumptions. For instance, if a guy is involved in some crazy-ass vehicular accident, manages to survive, is found to have 50 beer cans IN HIS TRUCK (not the bed, either)… can we just assume alcohol was, in fact, involved?

Police said the unidentified driver lost control of the truck at the corner of Center Road and McKenzie Drive in Monroeville. The truck then went through Susanne Lambert’s yard before smashing into a barrier in the middle of the turnpike, blocking the eastbound lanes.

Monroeville Police Chief Doug Cole said more than 50 empty and unopened cans of alcohol were found in the truck. Investigators are trying to determine if alcohol was a factor in the crash.

Anyone wagering on whether or not alcohol was a factor? Classy stuff there.

This one isn’t even a story, but one line that stopped me dead in my tracks. Seriously, I’m not even sure I can make this shit up. The quote comes from DallasNews.com and I think they’re trying to do a serious beer review, I had to stop reading after this though, unsure what the actual point was (note to young beer reviewers, avoid this sentence if you’re hoping to gain credibility).

This is a well-balanced beer, with an amber color and more body than a Corona.

What the?! More body than Corona? Geez, that’s saying something. I mean, when I lived in Fullerton, CA the city water had more body (and sadly, more flavor) than Corona. It least it was well-balanced.

Some crime stories say way more about our society than they intend to. Take this storyfrom Chicago, for instance. Here we read about a woman who gets caught shoplifting (stealing, I prefer – she didn’t actually try to lift a shop). Now anyone who watches Cops or Reno 911 (same show, really) knows that when a criminal is caught, they’re supposed to run – even if they have no ability to run. Well, this lady exhibits the sort of laziness that has come to define a generation. When caught, she didn’t run, but merely sat her ass down. Here’s how it was reported.

Inside the store they found Lauren E. Swolley, 25, of the 16800 block of Rainbow Circle in Orland Park sitting on the floor near the cappuccino machine with an open can of Bud Light next to her.

Pathetic. Another tip for the kiddos – don’t be lazy. Exercise, eat right and don’t be a friggin’ moron.

In times like this where cities everywhere are cash-strapped and looking for ways to save money, I found it interesting to read this story. I lack the ambition to really describe it properly, but a cop found a couple empty Budweiser cans by the burglarized home and sent the cans off to run DNA tests. Tests came back, bad guys caught. Weird CSI-type story for a simple burglary.

My final beer news story of the day is one you can count on, any day of the week – the classic beer-bottle-assault case. Folks, if you know anyone like this… I hope you have the common sense given to rocks to avoid being around them – at least while they drink.

“I thought I was swinging at the guy,” Moore told Natrona County Circuit Judge Michael Patchen.

The 27-year-old told the judge a man had hit his friend inside the bar earlier in the evening, as well as grabbed him around the throat. He said his alleged assailant later made a “smug face” at him which led to the beer-swinging incident. He blamed his misidentification on excessive alcohol consumption.

“I’m so sorry, lady,” he told the victim, who was in court Monday. “I didn’t intend to lay hands on a lady and I am ashamed.”

Did you catch that? Yes, ma’am, he wasn’t trying to hit you with that bottle of beer – he was trying to hit his friend. Sorry for the confusion. What a douche bag.

If you’re still reading this, I apologize. I’ve been wanting to post the other ‘beer news’ of the world for some time. These are the stories the commoners read, the ones that make local papers day in and day out. Truth is, many of us beer-loving folk are indeed assholes. Sadly, the news folk pick up on these stories more than the beer dinners and the good people of beer. Hopefully we’ll see that change a bit. Hopefully.

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